[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
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“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?