Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

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Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..


I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.


Sorry I ruined your surprise party by telling everyone it was an intervention


My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.


“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”


Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.


Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.