Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
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I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Sorry I ruined your surprise party by telling everyone it was an intervention
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Me: I’ve totally got this.
Narrator: Oh this ought to be good.