Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
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“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.