Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
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I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them