Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
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BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!