@rablivingstone

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

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@warbird622

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

@TheHyyyype

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

@tealbluejay

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

@AlexvanBeek

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

@AaronFullerton

A fun dream I have is to stand in the middle of Comic-Con, yell “What’s so cool about Star Wars anyway?”, then jetpack through the ceiling.

@Divergentmama

[Check engine light comes on]

Me: *pops hood – checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let’s just see if you’re feeling better tomorrow.

@murrman5

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[text]
Neighbor: do you smell something outside?
Me: it’s the horses.
Neighbor: it smells like marijuana.
Me: they’re high. high horses.

@TheRealPalMal

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

@mastrap84

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT