Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You’re welcome.
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I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before!
Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …
Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”
Husband: …think it’s true.”
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Count Dooku has always been puzzled by his wife, Sue.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.