Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
You Might Also Like
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.