@rablivingstone

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

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@Adam14

Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You’re welcome.

@BourbonLuv

I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before!

@

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@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …

Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”

Husband: …think it’s true.”

Me: …
Husband: …

@Aikiwomannc

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

@Darlainky

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

@ItsSamG

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

@ShesARealGenius

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

@KMoFlo_official

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.