Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
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Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.