@EnthonyRobbins

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

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@Mr_Kapowski

Wife: We went hiking where there’s newts

Daughter: What’s a newt?

Me: *barely able to contain my dad joke* NOT MUCH, WHAT’S NEWT WITH YOU?

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

@iwearaonesie

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

@SadPeruna

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

@VocabuLarry

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

@OpenClassMX

My actual wife and my twitter wife are talking via Kik. I will be camping in the woods forever if you need me.

@hello_saylor

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

@david8hughes

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral