Wife: We went hiking where there’s newts
Daughter: What’s a newt?
Me: *barely able to contain my dad joke* NOT MUCH, WHAT’S NEWT WITH YOU?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
You Might Also Like
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My actual wife and my twitter wife are talking via Kik. I will be camping in the woods forever if you need me.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
After they got married she even put his truck nuts in a jar.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties