Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
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Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
My love language is hissing.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”