@UgghNotyou

Learn to put yourself first unless you’re in a battlefield.

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@Reverend_Scott

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

@_troyjohnson

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

@tat2dsoccermom

So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I’m confused. What’s leftover alcohol?

@carlyken

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

@CraigChamberlin

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

@The_Grant_Boldt

Girlfriend: “babe it’s hot I need a fan”

[Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]

@OnlyFastEddie

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

@ch000ch

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

@1evilidiot

Of course it’s you. if it was me I wouldn’t even bring it up.

@BoomBoomBetty

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.