Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
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No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
smartest karate player in the world
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
she has a point
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Where’s my employee discount too?
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]