Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
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4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Matt Goss
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.