Learned from my 2yr old tonight that Jesus doesn’t like bananas. No word on cauliflower yet but pretty sure he’s not a fan.

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ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it


Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.


I just saw three dudes wearing denim shirts with denim jeans. Who’s responsible for this shit? Canada? Was it you, Canada?


Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell “SURPRISE YOU’RE ERIC’S GIRLFRIEND”


JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*


what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”