*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
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INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Ooh I do like a good funnel
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.