Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
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The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
This January has 47 Mondays
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.