Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?