@thombodytolove

[learning how to tie shoes in school]

Jesus: *raising hand* why do we have to learn things some of us will never use in real life

You Might Also Like

@GrumpyComments

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

@danagould

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

@allyneedy

My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

@TommyRainmaker

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

@TheAlexNevil

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

@LaceyNycole

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

@qikipedia

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

@Darlainky

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.