Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
[learning how to tie shoes in school]
Jesus: *raising hand* why do we have to learn things some of us will never use in real life
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I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Me: But not as much as coffee.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.