@jeffreyr77

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

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@dundlewood

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

@matt___nelson

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

@CandyEmpires

Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.

@PaperWash

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

@ermahgarton

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

@ObscureGent

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

@DaddyJew

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

@Gre_Gone

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

@mstern68

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.