What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
The news in a nutshell.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.