Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
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For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?