[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
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When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.