*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
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Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
“what that mouth do?” complain
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich