*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
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You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Smells like a challenge to me
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
March 16
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley