@SondraDeeMe

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

- @SondraDeeMe

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@kelkulus

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

@Darlainky

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

@SusannaLHarris

I keep getting people asking me if the coronavirus can be spread through sexual contact even if there is no exchange of air or touching of faces. If you can get this accomplished from 6 feet away, congratulations to both of you

@iwearaonesie

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

@MongooseMayhem

Let’s play hide and sex. I mean seek. Damn it. Seek. Unless you’re okay with hide and sex. I’ll meet you in the hall closet in one minute.

@Brampersandon_

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

@jazmasta

“Please. I need this” I whisper as a 14 year old girl starts to get the better of me in an arm wrestling match.