leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
You Might Also Like
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…