Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
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CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
the battle rages on
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up