@Sean_Burgundy_

Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you’re the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore

You Might Also Like

@thenatewolf

ME: Being a scientist is just asking questions. So, in a way, we’re all scientists.

ACTUAL SCIENTIST: No. Becoming a scientist requires years of-

ME: Looking up at the stars in wonderment. I hear you, respected peer.

@MavenofHonor

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

@_steamy_mac

Saw a couple take a selfie in the parking lot of my apartment complex and I can only assume it’s because they think they’ve found the saddest place on Earth.

@smelbz

The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don’t like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.

@Xoolun

The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet.

So I have no switched to mint Oreos.

@Home_Halfway

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

@allison_mick

FERRET OWNERS: EITHER GET A CAT OR A SNAKE STOP TRYING TO SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE

@roxiqt

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

@StephenKing

Breaking News: Reliable sources reveal that Donald Trump is actually Cthulu. The absurd hairdo isn’t absurd at all. It hides the tentacles.