@CloydRivers

Leave it to the idiot hippys to adopt a “holiday” on Hitler’s Birthday. Merica.

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@numbertze

When playing tug of war with a 2yo, it’s best to remember they’re pulling really really hard and holy shit they travel fast when you let go

@TheHyyyype

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

@bdbdleeroybrown

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

@XLCadillac

My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor’s window thinking I locked myself out of my house.

@timdonakowski

I wish someone would challenge me so I could help raise awareness for ice buckets.

@SCbchbum

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

@Jeffwni

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

@mommajessiec

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

@Reverend_Scott

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

@compIexed

me being petty:

*gets late 3 hour late reply*
*waits for 50 seconds to reply back*