Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
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6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Just me?
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Breaking news:
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.