You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
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Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Lassie, get help!
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people