LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
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Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”