@Maxine12333

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

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@RdrJay47

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

@LuvPug

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

@TheTweetOfGod

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

@CopBroughtPizza

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

@Parkerlawyer

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

@VisionBored1

My son told me that my belly was like the jellyfish in Finding Nemo and demonstrated by bouncing a toy car on it while saying boing boing so I told him the Easter Bunny isn’t real

@TheBoydP

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

@_tomcashman

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

@badboychadhoy

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there