‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

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If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.


I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti


“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.


i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.


I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”


My son told me that my belly was like the jellyfish in Finding Nemo and demonstrated by bouncing a toy car on it while saying boing boing so I told him the Easter Bunny isn’t real


My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?


Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on


wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there