‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
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“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”