Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
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You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.