Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
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The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
my dog when i have a friend over
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
The options really are this bad
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.