“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
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Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
#CoronaOutbreak
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]