“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
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moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.