*leaves a “beautiful eyes” comment on all your leg selfies

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GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.


[watches ants struggle with a chocolate & hazelnut covered golf ball I made]

They’ll be so pissed when they realise it’s not Ferrero Roche


*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*


Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?


Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party


So glad I finally got around to correcting that spelling mistake I made to the girl I fancied 8 years ago


Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?


*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops


inventor of acupuncture playing with a voodoo doll: ? ???? ?? ?? ???? ???? ???? ??????


Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.