*leaves a trail of banana peels so you slip and fall …..

In love with me, HAHA SUCKAH.

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Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.


Wife: It’s not a chick flick!
Me: was the movie released in February?
W: yes.
M: are they standing back to back on the cover?
W: sigh.. yes


Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?


Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.


i heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out


when i found out i won the World’s Saddest Man award i became slightly happy and was immediately stripped of my title


Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.


Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”


I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.