@Bratterina

*leaves a trail of banana peels so you slip and fall …..

In love with me, HAHA SUCKAH.

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@mactx85

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

@usermcuserface

Wife: It’s not a chick flick!
Me: was the movie released in February?
W: yes.
M: are they standing back to back on the cover?
W: sigh.. yes

@Lisabug74

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

@Mike_Bianchi

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

@donttouchjames

i heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out

@hippieswordfish

when i found out i won the World’s Saddest Man award i became slightly happy and was immediately stripped of my title

@paperphotoyo

Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.

@UnFitz

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

@AnniemuMary

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.