Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
You Might Also Like
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait