Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
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most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
An odd boast
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.