Cops: Jay X?
Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike.
Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.
*Leaves home for the day…
*Fears I left something behind
*Runs inside to see baby playing with my phone.
*Grabs phone & leaves.
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Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
“You have a date? With who?”
[Sees a fishing boat]
“Uh, her name is Net…”
[Sees someone with a booger]
“Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit.”
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Cow: I mean – moo
My psychologist and psychiatrist don’t agree on my diagnosis so yes, I get what it’s like to have people fighting over me.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person
I don’t like to talk about it
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?