Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
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In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.