[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
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Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.