It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
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Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Ok but actually
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.