It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
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i hope my email finds you on fire
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?