*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
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Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be鈥hat鈥檚 why I never jog bc I鈥檓 just a really really good neighbor
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I鈥檓 looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 馃槺
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I can鈥檛 even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsg氓rd: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Yes, this is exactly right
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women鈥檚 clothing doesn鈥檛 have pockets!
thug: I鈥檓 sorry for upsetting you. Here鈥檚 $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 馃檪
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this