*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
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The check engine light came on inside my oven.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*