*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
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I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Wake me when AI does housework
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.