[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
You Might Also Like
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here