a god among men
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
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SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Shark week is actually the best time to go to the beach. All the sharks are busy being on tv