Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
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If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this