@Tmoney68

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

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@TribalSpaceCat

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

@briangaar

In my opinion Scotland should be independent, otherwise Mel Gibson died for nothing

@RiverClegg

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

@MNateShyamalan

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

@BuckyIsotope

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

@juskewitch

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

@NewDadNotes

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

@PlainTravis

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.