[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
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Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?