[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
You Might Also Like
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh