@DaddyJew
@SlipperySecret
I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.
…because I don’t have time to get arrested today.
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@SlipperySecret
@Jenny4ashley
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
@mina_baileyy
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
@alfageeek
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
@funTweeters
@pdxjohnny99
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
@thegoodgodabove
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
@iinkedZombie
Me: I don’t feel like driving home.
5: I’ll drive.
Me: You’re not old enough yet.
5: and my feet won’t reach the pedals.
Me: And that.
@Mr_Kapowski
Apparently, occupants aren’t 8 legged pants for octopi
@KielyHealey
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”