@DaddyJew

[leaving couples therapy]
*whispers to therapist* so who won?

You Might Also Like

@SlipperySecret

I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.

…because I don’t have time to get arrested today.

@Jenny4ashley

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

@alfageeek

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

@pdxjohnny99

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

@thegoodgodabove

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

@iinkedZombie

Me: I don’t feel like driving home.

5: I’ll drive.

Me: You’re not old enough yet.

5: and my feet won’t reach the pedals.

Me: And that.

@KielyHealey

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”