[leaving couples therapy]
*whispers to therapist* so who won?

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Google+ is not a “ghost town”, because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.


My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.


Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.


Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not code for ‘stripper.’

Live & learn, guys.


If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.


Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing


Bad news is I’m not fluent in Starbucks. Good news is I ordered a skinny Latin, and Marc Anthony is a real sweetheart.


Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.


“Instagram announced they will allow users to see who viewed their profile…”
*wakes up in cold sweat*


My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”