@DaddyJew

[leaving couples therapy]
*whispers to therapist* so who won?

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@markleggett

Google+ is not a “ghost town”, because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.

@nickbilton

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

@Brianhopecomedy

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

@Schmoodles

Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not code for ‘stripper.’

Live & learn, guys.

@reputathebeauta

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

@SeanINCypress

Bad news is I’m not fluent in Starbucks. Good news is I ordered a skinny Latin, and Marc Anthony is a real sweetheart.

@MJMcKean

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

@NicestHippo

“Instagram announced they will allow users to see who viewed their profile…”
*wakes up in cold sweat*

@UnfilteredMama

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”