“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
You Might Also Like
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.